


Am I Enough?

by TheAngelofFate



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander adores his son, Alexander loves his wife very much, Eliza is the best wife in the world, F/M, Lafayette is mentioned, Okay this may seem like Lams but it isn't, affectionate Alexander is beautiful, apologies Lams shippers, baby Philip is also in this, but this story is still full blown Hamliza, it has their relationship in it undertones, same with GWash and Mulligan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 21:04:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12307764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAngelofFate/pseuds/TheAngelofFate
Summary: 1782 had been an important year for Alexander, he helped win the war in Yorktown, he help given everyone their freedom back, his son had been born and what's more he actually got to see him. So many amazing things happened in 1782... And then one no so nice thing happened.The death of John Laurens





	Am I Enough?

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, don't ask me why I decided to write this. Because I truly have no idea why I decided to write a story about Alexander dealing with the death of John Laurens. And Eliza being amazing and comforting him through it, because they are the real OTP. 
> 
> I just woke up this morning and thought that writing about this moment in time would be fun since I've never done anything like this before. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did writing it.

The year was 1782. The Battle of Yorktown took a heavy tole on all of the men that fought in it. Sleepless nights, and hallucination and trauma consumed some of them. While the others had basked in the glory because they had won the war, they had won their freedom and Alexander Hamilton couldn't have been more happy, because he had survived, he was alive and breathing and he managed to get back to his Betsey, back to his love and was able to meet his son. Oh how he loved his small family, he thanked god every day that he granted him with such a gift.

He sat in a chair by his son's crib, while he rocked him, gently in his arms. He gazed adoringly at the small baby, so innocent and beautiful that it left Alexander reeling. How could this baby be so perfect when all it could do was cry? Hamilton wondered to himself as he pressed a loving kiss to Philip's forehead.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw something move, lifting his head he saw Eliza standing in the doorway. His heart fluttered, his smile was instantaneous as he looked at his dear Betsey. But then he fully saw her face, and his expression turned to one of concern. "Love?" He inquired softly as to not wake their boy, who he had just successfully gotten to fall asleep.

"Alexander, there's a letter for you from South Carolina."

Oh.

Alexander relaxed at that sentence, knowing exactly who it was from. He wanted to read the letter but then he looked back at Philip, smiled and thought against it. "It's from John Laurens, I'll read it later."

"No, it's not." Her words cut through his thoughts, how urgent they were confused him. John was the only person he knew that was in South Carolina, if it wasn't from him, then who?

Looking back up at her, "Will you read it?" He asked because he was unable to do so. Eliza nodded and took the already opened letter out of the envelop. She seemed to hesitate for a moment before she read the letter aloud.

"On Tuesday the 27th, Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens was killed in a gun fight against British Troops in South Carolina." Alexander stopped listening after that one sentence, her words blurred together to the point where he couldn't hear his wife anymore. His heart hammered in his chest, there was an ache there, one he couldn't force away no matter how hard he tried. John was dead, he was _dead_. Why was that so hard for him to process? Well for the simple fact _**because**_ it it was John. Because John was a fighter, he would fight violently, kicking and screaming if need be if that meant victory. And he always admired that about John, he admired a lot about John actually. Knowing that he was gone, it hurt but he also couldn't fully accept it.

A hand gently touched his shoulder, a solid touch brought him back to reality and he shook his head to clear away the haze. "Alexander, are you alright?" Betsey inquired, he watched the concern on her face grow as she place that same hand on his cheek and swept away at it. Alexander blinked and he realized that he was crying. Yes, silent tears were falling down his face, unyielding.

A noise escaped his lips, sounding like a mix between a laugh and a sob. "I—" He paused as he stood up and gently place Philip in his crib and made his way towards the door. "I have so much work to do." Because he did, he had to contact the General, Lafayette and Mulligan. He had to tell them about what happened to John, if they didn't already know. He can vividly imagine what they were doing. Lafayette probably alone in France in utter distress, the same with Mulligan who was most likely drinking himself sick; both crying openly because they had been friends with John longer then he had and Washington was probably mourning silently in his home with his wife, his heart ached for his friends, for his commander. He needed to write to them, they needed to get together to celebrate their fallen comrade.

That same hand wrapped around his wrist, stopping him from leaving. "Please." Eliza whispered softly, a plea. And his heart hurt all the more because she was hurting and he hated to see her in pain. "Please, don't shut me out of your heart."

_**Oh, let me be a part of the narrative.** _

"I know he was important to you." She said as she wrapped her other arm around his chest from behind him. "I read your letters to each once when I was cleaning up your study." He watched her hand curled into the fabric of his shirt, and she paused before continuing. "Please, Alexander. It's alright if you never loved me, but please don't shut everyone else out."

His heart ceased in his chest at her words. Turning around, he embraced her tightly. "No." He breathed out, a gasp. Because how could she say such a thing? How could those words ever leave her lips? How could she ever think that he didn't love her with everything he had? "Betsey, no. I love you, dearest. I love you so much that it scares me." Which it was all true. When he first meet Eliza it felt like his insides were on fire, he felt so happy and so scared at the same time.

"And— John..." He paused as he took a breathe. "There _**was**_ something there, between us. Or at least I _thought_ there was, back then I think that what I felt was simply a crush. Out of adolescent, because I never had a friend in my life until I met John. But that's all that it was. When I met you, I simply saw him as my friend. It never deepened more after that." He said truthfully, as warm gust of the August air drifted in through the opened window, causing Eliza to shiver against him, and he pulled her closer, kissing her temple, lovingly.

"Did you love him?" She asked in a hushed voice as she buried her face in his chest.

Alexander inhaled deeply through his nose before letting it out past his lips. "I thought I did." He answered, truthfully, after a minute of silence. "And maybe I _did_ , but not as much as I love you."

Eliza sniffed and another shivered ran through her body. "Are you sure? My feelings for you are absolute, my dear. But I'm nothing special, I don't blame you if you didn't."

Alexander swallowed the lump in his throat, _lord_ he was the worst husband. No man should ever make their wife feel so unloved that she would think of herself as nothing special. "Eliza, _please_. Don't ever speak of yourself that way again."

Eliza ran her fingers through his hair. "But... your sad, your hurting."

"Yes..." He breathed, nodding. "Yes, I am sad. I'm in mourning. But that doesn't mean I don't love you any less then I did when I first met you. You are my _heart_ , my everything. Please never doubt my love for you." She nodded herself, nuzzling his chest with the side of her cheek.

"You know." His wife said after several minutes, her voice breaking the silence that passed between them. "I think Philip would have love John."

Alexander closed his eyes, his breathe hitching in his throat. That one sentence seemed to break the dam that he'd been building up around his emotions. "Yes." He said with a watery smile, as he looked over to their son's crib, who was maliciously still asleep. Hamilton let out a little sniffle, his heart did pang in sadness for John, it ached for his first friend, his closest friend. "Yes, I think he would have."

Now it seemed that their roles were reversed, now she was holding him. Eliza gently moved them both to their knees and she held him in her arms as Alexander silently mourned for the loss of his friend. Rubbing his back, Eliza carded her fingers through her husbands long hair and kissed his temple. She whispered soothing words to him as he clung to her.

"I'm going to miss him."

"I know," She would say, in complete understanding.

And afterwards when he had no more tears left to shed, they both went to bed. Their arms wrapped around each other, their hearts beating in complete unison. Alexander turned his head and placed a kiss on the crown of Eliza's head.

"I love you, Eliza." His voice speaking all but the truth as he murmured these words to her. His hand, softly stroking her arm. "I truly don't deserve you."

The hand that she had laid a crossed his chest lift and cupped his cheek. "No, Alexander. We _do_ deserve each other." She said as she kissed his lips, to which he returned with just as much affection as he press his forehead to hers. "We are enough."

Alexander let out a laugh, it was the first real one that escaped his lips since the news about John. It still held tints of _sadness_ but overall it held happiness, hope, and love for his family, for his wife and son whom he held so very dear to his soul. "Best of wives and best of woman."

And to those words, they both smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said I don't know where the hell this came from. Like it's so random, I don't normally do this type of thing. More so, since I don't even ship Lams together. I mean, I accept that there may have been something between them (that's a big maybe, since it happened over 237 years ago) but the letters between Hamilton and John aside (since that mostly what people tend to focus on) I did a little research and found that Alexander may have had a simple “adolescent crush” on John, a crush, lust, with some lust thrown in there, given the letters, but nothing more. 
> 
> But I'd like to think that while there could have been something there, that all changed when Alexander met Eliza, because yes they loved each other so very dearly. I think that he did love John, but not as much as he loved Eliza, his Betsey. Again I'm not against anyone who ships Lams (even though they are men who died over 237 years ago) I'm just trying to go into a different approach on this, that they may have had something, but it never developed into anything else. And when John died Alexander mourned the loss of a friend. 
> 
> Anyway, positive thoughts? Please leave them in a comment so as to know that I know that you actually liked this story even though it’s not Lams, and I'll see you all soon.


End file.
